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Once they turn 14, is it customary for the hip to slip out of socket every time I speak?
Is there something on the ceiling that only I can't see, and only seems to need to be watched while I am talking?
When did cold cereal start tasting better than a homemade breakfast?
What is this new language they speak when talking to friends?
Will her friends really disown her if she doesn't get a piercing in her face?
When was my shiny golden 'Mother of the Year' statue stolen from the mantal?
Do I seriously look like a dork if I wear a coat when it's below 20 degrees outside?
What is a dork?
Overnight, I believe she morphed into a vampire, and cannot be seen in daylight before 4pm
What kind of fun starts after 10pm, and will you REALLY die if you miss it?
Why isn't she embarrassed of the piles of empty water bottles and dirty clothes stacked up in her room?
Will the universe suddenly crumble around her when I make her clean it?
Am I truly going to ruin her life, landing her in therapy at the age of 30, because I grounded her for not cleaning her room?
Does the world stop if she can't own a pair of Nike's?
Should I learn CPR in order to save her life, after each time I tell her 'no'?
Why does the Domino's pizza at Suzie's house tonight taste better than the Domino's pizza at our house tonight?
Am I neglecting her health, because I don't truly believe she can't hear me?
Have I lost my hearing, because I can't hear the words she just mumbled?
Have I lost sense of the english language because I can't understand what the musical artist XYZ123 just said 5 times in a row?
And why is it that my hearing seems to be extraordinarily sensitive, causing the music to be to loud?
How can they sit in a room together, and all I hear is the sound of buttons being pushed?
Will my grandkids know how to speak... or will all conversations be spoken via text?
Grandkids..... oh no. She's old enough to make me a grandma.
Surely I'm not the only mom in the world that wants to watch their child at a sporting event.
Will her hand really fall off if she waves at me?
Will I melt her skin if I attempt to give her a hug?
And the biggest question of all...
Did body snatchers break into our home in the middle of the night, and take my sweet princess?
I think so. I think they have relocated her to a land where it's in the rule book that you have to sleep all day, eat cereal in your bed surrounded by dirty clothes and garbage, and flies on the ceiling don't exist. Where the moms wear golden medallions around their neck as they take their kid to get a puncture wound placed on their face, while singing all the words to XYZ123, AND they turn the volume up. Where the use of a chiropracter is obsolete, because it's cool to walk with a limp due to a hip out of place. Where waving and hugging are illegal, vocal conversations don't exist, and nothing opens until after 10pm. The land where you win a pair of Nike's everytime you order a Domino's pizza, and there aren't allowed to be anyone over the age of 21 at sporting events. This is the planet where the stork really does bring the baby, but only after you turn 30.
And tea parties are prohibited.
