Energizer Bunny? Not so Much

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I managed to have my children nine years apart. Everyone said it was crazy. I enjoyed it. While the eldest was in school, I got to have one on one with the baby. Looking back, it was wonderful. Wouldn't change it for the world. 

But now, as a middle-aged mom, I deal with a sense of guilt. I always wonder if my second child was robbed of things I did with her brother. I was twenty when I had him. We did everything together.... I was still young and energetic. Fast forward, today I am not. Divorced and with today's recession and economic crisis, I work full time. I'm not the young, new mother with all the energy and time of the Energizer Bunny. Throw in a lazy thyroid, and fibromyalgia, and some days I'm slower than the molasses escaping from the mason jar. 

My daughter is amazing. Vibrant and full of electricity, fueled by sass. I know she was to young to look back and remember the days when I could run around the track cheering her brother on as he fought to cross the finish line first. But I'm not too old to remember, and some days, it makes me just want to cry. 

I can't be the only middle-aged mom who deals with this. It should have a name. We should start a club. Meet once a week for support. {We could meet on face time, so we didn't have to feel responsible to put jeans on and actually GO, lol} But then, of course, I'd feel guilty for using that time for ME, instead of her. Even though she is in her room, music vibrating the windows, and 4 other voices emanating from her phone speaker. I at least know that I am sitting on my couch crocheting a blanket, ready for some one on one with her when she is ready. If I haven't fallen asleep while waiting. 

Does she stay in her room because somewhere, subconsciously, she remembers that volleyball tournament in grade school that I just could not pull myself together for in order to attend? Or is it the lunch date I had to call off, because of a brain splitting headache? The Valentine Party in the 2nd grade that I couldn't take off work for? So many options, leading to one question. Did I disappoint her? Just to type it breaks my heart. 

Tell me I'm not the only one. Tell me someone else had to send their child to daycare and cry all the way to work. Tell me she is a typical teen, who knows her mom would give her the stars in the sky if she were able. 

I need to know what to name our club. Or is there one already out there, and if so... did the mail lady lose my invitation? Can someone send me a new one? 

Oh, and I need written instructions on how to work this face time thing. Add those in the P.S. of the invite. 

Please.

I know you're out there.

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Mom Guilt

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 It truly is a real thing. You don't recognize it though, until you already have it. It's like a toothache. It starts with just a hint of discomfort ever so often, and over time, leads into a body part in so much pain you just want to rip it from your mouth with a pair of pliers. Of course it's not my teeth hurting, but sometimes I'd like to rip my heart out, wrap it in a cute pink cloth, and hide it under my pillow until I'm ready to use it again. 

I know, it seems exaggerated. I seem dramatic. If that's the case, you've been spared from the mom guilt thus far in your journey. But don't worry. You'll get the experience too, someday.

It's looking back on all those times that I wished my child could walk, so I no longer had to carry her. The moments when I thought it would be so nice if I could just hand her a hamburger, instead of taking 30 minutes to feed her. The endless days of being a soccer mom, and rearranging my schedule because she needed a ride, and wishing she just had her license. The missed parties my friends threw, the great job offers I passed up, the babysitter costs.... it's all those things plus so many more that actually had the audacity to pop into my mind, even though it may have been a split second, and never given another thought. It's the mom guilt. Looking back to all those seconds adding up to minutes, of wishing for a break. Or wishing things were "easier." 

It's the guilt of knowing you will never get those moments back, and wondering if that makes you a bad mom. The heartache of knowing that she walks herself to her car now every day, and is able to stop for a hamburger on her way to her volleyball tournament. The pain of knowing that you no longer need a babysitter, because there is no baby. Oh, and those parties you just hated to miss? Nobody can tell you anything about them, because nobody can remember what happened anyway. Tonight, you could be going to one, because there isn't a crying baby stopping you. Yet you stay at home and cry a bit. Because there isn't a baby at home needing you. Realizing, that after all these years, you already had the most important job all along.

At any point in time, it can hit you. Like a toothache. Or a Kenworth with no brakes on Interstate 90 running 6 hours behind. Just remember, you're not alone. Momma says I'll get through it, and she is apparently living proof. It is a reminder that you are human, and can still love your child more than the breath you inhale, even though they can dress themselves now. 

Keep all of this in mind when she gets ready to jump in her car, and asks for $20 for gas and a burger. Enjoy the hug you receive after giving her $25 instead, in the case of an emergency. Embrace the moment when she rolls her eyes when you request she call you when she gets there so you know she's safe. Above all else, know that when she sees you in the stands during halftime at the tournament and smiles as she is secretly begging you to not wave, that every moment has lead up to this one. No matter who drove the car.

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